Check Yo self before You Wreck Yo self
Christmas is an emotional conundrum for me. I get tied in knots the closer we get to December 25th. I’m not sure where these feelings began or where they are from, I just know they are deep. Every year it seems I wait until the last week or so to start shopping. I completely violate tip #2 (Financial planning). It comes from a lack of preparation that I create my own dilemma. It is also derived from an intense need to please others and to be liked. I have discovered that I am really insecure and Christmas brings it out in the worst way for me. It has happened time and time again.
The worst example I can think of is Christmas 2004. This was the first year of the new iPod. They were so cool. But, man they were expensive. There’s no way I could afford that for the kids. At least, that’s what I was thinking. The closer we got to the big day, the weaker I got. There were lots of gift options. But none seemed as fantastic as the new apple contraption. Without consulting Carol, I drove to the store and got the ipods. I didn’t tell her at all. I wanted everyone to be surprised on Christmas. Or, I didn’t want her to pour cold water on my ipod idea and if I waited till Christmas there was nothing she could do about it. Oops, there’s a confession for you. I knew she would want me to take them back, or, at least she would challenge my financial considerations. I wasn’t willing to deal with any of that.
I couldn’t wait for Christmas morning and the kids to open their gifts. I was so excited, I couldn’t sit still. I vaguely remember getting them up so I could spring my surprise on them. They were teenagers a no longer got up at the crack of dawn. This would be the best Christmas ever, I could be voted “father of the year” with presents like these. They were so surprised. I’ll never forget the look on their faces, it was priceless. I had hit the jackpot, I’m the man, yea baby! The look on Carol’s face was not as joyful. I could tell she was not pleased. She did not let it show too much and the kids never knew that dad had really “done it this time”. In the months that followed this purchase was a major topic of discussion for the two of us. The discoveries were deep as we evaluated the ramifications of my choices.
At that point in our lives we had come to an arrangement regarding major purchases. We would be in agreement. No surprises, no concession, no bullying, no manipulation, just oneness in spirit. Well, obviously I had violated this big time. Carol was hurt and I couldn’t blame her. As Ricky Ricardo would say “I’ve got some splannin’ to do”. I had to search deep in my heart. Was this about the kids? Or, was this about me? How could I justify $800 in presents with our finances the way they were. The fact is, I put it on a credit card and I’m not sure when it got paid off. I wonder how much interest I paid? Ouch, just thinking about this makes my stomach hurt.
Here’s the truth: I love to give gifts. I love to grab checks. I love to be generous. I don’t care if it costs me interest. The problem is: I do it for me. It makes me feel good. it make me feel successful. It swells my pride. Oops there it is. It’s pride. It’s embarrassing to admit that my pride is a prominent part of my decision making. It’s pride that buys what I want to, when I want to, and how I want to. It’s pride that doesn’t “check in with the warden” to see if we are on the same financial page.
The point of all this is: we need to discover our motivations before we embark on Christmas spending (debt). We say it’s not about the gifts. But isn’t it? I’m still discovering all the pride and junk stored up in my heart/mind. So, this Christmas let’s check our thoughts, intentions, motivations, fears, guilt, remorse, and surrender them to Christ. Maybe our gifts will have more meaning and will be lest costly, both relationally and financially.
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)
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